Just a word of warning - This is going to be a long post! So thank you to those in advance for reading through.
I'm almost 32 years old and I believe I have experienced the consequences of over protective, helicopter parenting. All my life literally I have been trying to discover why I am in this perpetual stuckness; no career, little ambition/goals/purpose, still single, still living at home with my parents, basically no future and feeling rather hopeless as I have been for many years now.
I'm from the UK but originally my parents are from South Asia and I know in this culture it is common for parents to be very overprotective and their children. Add to this was the fact that they were strong Christians and so I grew up going to church all my life, surrounded by its morals and values. I made a commitment to Christ when I was 14 I'd say but my faith in God has always struggled and been difficult.
Growing up, I would have private tuition classes right from the age of 8 to pretty much til I was 18. My dad would constantly feel the need to help me and would get annoyed and upset if I refused his help. I remember one time he started crying when I did. He would sometimes do homework for me! They made sure I was taken care of and essentially made life as easy as possible for me. My dad would pick me up from school even though it was a 10 minute walk home til I was like 16! I always felt I had to be studying and doing homework all the time. I can think of so many examples – I remember when I was 15 my father didn't let me stay round a friends house because he didn't know his parents personally! One time when I was 18 I went to the cinema with my cousin and didn't get back til about midnight. My parents went crazy, found my notebook where I had written down my friends nos (before the days when everyone had a cell phone) and called all my friends to ask where I could be! When I got home and my parents treated me like I had committed murder when all I did was go to the cinema to watch a movie. They have always had this irrational, paranoid, extreme state of mind and over time it's naturally been projected onto me. Obviously at the time, I wasn't able to recognise this.
Aside from all of this, I suffered constant criticisms and orders, all these should haves, ought tos etc.
So my memories from those years are largely negative. I was treated like I was disobedient or rebellious if I did things my own way or did something they didn't agree with or didn't want to see me doing. It's as if I couldn't make mistakes, if I had failed or did something that was risky. I felt like I couldn't rebel and speak out against this, because it would be seen as being disobedient. Yet to this day I have never really been rebellious. I never smoked, took drugs, hardly ever drink, although I've had serious girlfriends I never slept with any of them (due to my Christian beliefs), never got into a fight, infact I've never once got into any trouble whatsoever at school or in life since then.
On top of all this I never received the love, affirmation and positive encouragement that every child and every individual should receive from their parents. It was always negative from my father, he hardly ever praised or encouraged me, whenever he did, it would be performance based (if I got good grades) or did well at sport or something. Never once did they really say and treat me as loved and accepted for who I was, regardless of however I behaved or performed.
I have always felt this urge to break free and discover myself. I wanted to study Spanish, yet my dad didn't allow it cos he wanted me to do maths because it would be "appropriate" even though I KNEW I would not enjoy it and ended up doing badly in it. Spanish was my favorite subject and I wish I had done it for my degree/major.
Even as I grew older into my 20s they have treated me in similar ways. For example when I was 26 I went to a friend's party and had like 2 beers got back home and my mum the next morning figured that I had been drinking because she smelt alcohol on my clothes. I remember how upset she was and then my dad wrote me a letter the next day saying how I should not drink alcohol, because it is addictive (when they already know I don't drink)!!! At 26!? They went onto say how children need their parents help irrespective of their age and that families should always be interdependent. No mention whatsoever of being self sufficient, independent, being a fully responsible adult man etc.
SO then, is it any surprise now at 32 years of age, I have no idea what to do with my life? I have always been wondering and trying to figure out why I am so dysfunctional, don't have passion in life, why I have very little motivation, why I have this complete failure to launch. It's truly made me realise that the very reason I can't seem to be a man and take control of my own life is due to all what I've described. Every time something went wrong my parents would try and fix it. This constant obsession my father has had that children always NEED their parents has essentially sucked me into this codependency. They've thought that because they've done everything possible for their son, he should be successful and be set for life, when actually it's pushed me further away and I've ended up resenting them. They see me as an extension of themselves. They haven't genuinely cared about what I want, what I need. A true LOVING parent would recognise the essential need for a child at some point in their life to be free, independent to make their own decisions, plan their own lives and take care of themselves and not feel the need to constantly help them and take care of their needs.
People always keep saying how ONLY I can make changes, it's up to YOU to take control of your own life and so on. Everything that I've written above surely explains why to this day I'm finding it almost impossible to move on with my life and be independent. It's not knowing what I truly want to do with my life because I've been taken care of for so many years resulting in this disabling complex, I just feel constantly crippled.
I could go on of course but I think I will stop at this point because I could elaborate for the rest of the day!
I have read studies and researched this entire area and in nearly every case I read stuff that resonates with me perfectly. The causes and consequences that are outlined of this style of parenting are well documented and psychologists and experts agree that it has devastating effects on both a child at school growing up but also more significantly on the adult person. He/she struggles to become a responsible, functioning adult. It all makes perfect sense. It goes a long way to explaining why I am this way.
For example I've picked out two articles here - http://ift.tt/1MHY46b
and this one - http://www.positive-parenting-ally.c...r-parents.html
“In conclusion, overprotected children are slated for failure in school and in life.
Overprotected children end up to be failures in life in more ways than one. Overprotective parents are only damaging their children and either do not or refuse to acknowledge this. Many overprotected children remain in their symbiotic state until it is quite too late to change!”
So is that it then? Am I doomed because it's too late? Is there any hope? I guess that's my main worry. Is there anyway to reverse this now at my age?
I'm almost 32 years old and I believe I have experienced the consequences of over protective, helicopter parenting. All my life literally I have been trying to discover why I am in this perpetual stuckness; no career, little ambition/goals/purpose, still single, still living at home with my parents, basically no future and feeling rather hopeless as I have been for many years now.
I'm from the UK but originally my parents are from South Asia and I know in this culture it is common for parents to be very overprotective and their children. Add to this was the fact that they were strong Christians and so I grew up going to church all my life, surrounded by its morals and values. I made a commitment to Christ when I was 14 I'd say but my faith in God has always struggled and been difficult.
Growing up, I would have private tuition classes right from the age of 8 to pretty much til I was 18. My dad would constantly feel the need to help me and would get annoyed and upset if I refused his help. I remember one time he started crying when I did. He would sometimes do homework for me! They made sure I was taken care of and essentially made life as easy as possible for me. My dad would pick me up from school even though it was a 10 minute walk home til I was like 16! I always felt I had to be studying and doing homework all the time. I can think of so many examples – I remember when I was 15 my father didn't let me stay round a friends house because he didn't know his parents personally! One time when I was 18 I went to the cinema with my cousin and didn't get back til about midnight. My parents went crazy, found my notebook where I had written down my friends nos (before the days when everyone had a cell phone) and called all my friends to ask where I could be! When I got home and my parents treated me like I had committed murder when all I did was go to the cinema to watch a movie. They have always had this irrational, paranoid, extreme state of mind and over time it's naturally been projected onto me. Obviously at the time, I wasn't able to recognise this.
Aside from all of this, I suffered constant criticisms and orders, all these should haves, ought tos etc.
So my memories from those years are largely negative. I was treated like I was disobedient or rebellious if I did things my own way or did something they didn't agree with or didn't want to see me doing. It's as if I couldn't make mistakes, if I had failed or did something that was risky. I felt like I couldn't rebel and speak out against this, because it would be seen as being disobedient. Yet to this day I have never really been rebellious. I never smoked, took drugs, hardly ever drink, although I've had serious girlfriends I never slept with any of them (due to my Christian beliefs), never got into a fight, infact I've never once got into any trouble whatsoever at school or in life since then.
On top of all this I never received the love, affirmation and positive encouragement that every child and every individual should receive from their parents. It was always negative from my father, he hardly ever praised or encouraged me, whenever he did, it would be performance based (if I got good grades) or did well at sport or something. Never once did they really say and treat me as loved and accepted for who I was, regardless of however I behaved or performed.
I have always felt this urge to break free and discover myself. I wanted to study Spanish, yet my dad didn't allow it cos he wanted me to do maths because it would be "appropriate" even though I KNEW I would not enjoy it and ended up doing badly in it. Spanish was my favorite subject and I wish I had done it for my degree/major.
Even as I grew older into my 20s they have treated me in similar ways. For example when I was 26 I went to a friend's party and had like 2 beers got back home and my mum the next morning figured that I had been drinking because she smelt alcohol on my clothes. I remember how upset she was and then my dad wrote me a letter the next day saying how I should not drink alcohol, because it is addictive (when they already know I don't drink)!!! At 26!? They went onto say how children need their parents help irrespective of their age and that families should always be interdependent. No mention whatsoever of being self sufficient, independent, being a fully responsible adult man etc.
SO then, is it any surprise now at 32 years of age, I have no idea what to do with my life? I have always been wondering and trying to figure out why I am so dysfunctional, don't have passion in life, why I have very little motivation, why I have this complete failure to launch. It's truly made me realise that the very reason I can't seem to be a man and take control of my own life is due to all what I've described. Every time something went wrong my parents would try and fix it. This constant obsession my father has had that children always NEED their parents has essentially sucked me into this codependency. They've thought that because they've done everything possible for their son, he should be successful and be set for life, when actually it's pushed me further away and I've ended up resenting them. They see me as an extension of themselves. They haven't genuinely cared about what I want, what I need. A true LOVING parent would recognise the essential need for a child at some point in their life to be free, independent to make their own decisions, plan their own lives and take care of themselves and not feel the need to constantly help them and take care of their needs.
People always keep saying how ONLY I can make changes, it's up to YOU to take control of your own life and so on. Everything that I've written above surely explains why to this day I'm finding it almost impossible to move on with my life and be independent. It's not knowing what I truly want to do with my life because I've been taken care of for so many years resulting in this disabling complex, I just feel constantly crippled.
I could go on of course but I think I will stop at this point because I could elaborate for the rest of the day!
I have read studies and researched this entire area and in nearly every case I read stuff that resonates with me perfectly. The causes and consequences that are outlined of this style of parenting are well documented and psychologists and experts agree that it has devastating effects on both a child at school growing up but also more significantly on the adult person. He/she struggles to become a responsible, functioning adult. It all makes perfect sense. It goes a long way to explaining why I am this way.
For example I've picked out two articles here - http://ift.tt/1MHY46b
and this one - http://www.positive-parenting-ally.c...r-parents.html
“In conclusion, overprotected children are slated for failure in school and in life.
Overprotected children end up to be failures in life in more ways than one. Overprotective parents are only damaging their children and either do not or refuse to acknowledge this. Many overprotected children remain in their symbiotic state until it is quite too late to change!”
So is that it then? Am I doomed because it's too late? Is there any hope? I guess that's my main worry. Is there anyway to reverse this now at my age?
overprotecting, controlling parents and its consequences
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